3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
