I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
