After last night, I could never be a politician.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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