Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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