all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
