last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
