Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
