Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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