Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
