My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
