My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
