I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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