I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
