Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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