He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
