How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
