i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
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