Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
the liver wants what the liver wants
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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