I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
