Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
