I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
