Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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