"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
