If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
