Whatcha textin bout Willis?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
