Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
