Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
