dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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