the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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