I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
