Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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