happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
