My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
