so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
