She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
