dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
