i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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