Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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