be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
