now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Bring me that man meat
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
