the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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