how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
