No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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