I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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