Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
