if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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