If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
