there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
