Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
