i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
